Attitude. If you think you can, you will. Sex starts in the brain and then works down the body. If you mind is blocking anything about sex, your chances of achieving orgasm can be limited.
First I had to get past the fear of sex and guilt that had built up for years. That took several months of researching, reading and learning. I googled everything I could about sex (which is how I found out about BDSM), from the physical aspects of it, to the emotional aspects.
As teen, we got very little education about sex.. nothing about anatomy of either genders, nothing about emotions, responsibility, enjoyment, nothing.. basically just “this is your period and this is how you conceive a child (but only the female part), and how miserable you will be one week out of every month.” Plus never let anyone touch you and never touch yourself.
Question your religious teachings. I mean seriously, don’t just buy into them because that’s the way you raised and have been told “that’s the way we’ve always done it”. You should have enough knowledge and experience to look at those teachings more objectively. And if you don’t, get more of both. The damage that religion (of all kinds) has done about sex education, masturbation, sexual positions, and sexual desire is so extensive. You can still believe and practice your religion without being made to feel guilty and shameful for a human condition that is perfectly natural. I researched how and why the church teaches the fear about sex and realized it wasn’t the sex itself that was a problem it was the control of women that they wanted. Once I realized that, I was able to move on.
As I read more and more that’s when I also realized no touching was a big part of it. No touching, by anyone, even yourself. This even became a problem after I had children and was afraid to touch my nipples to prepare for breastfeeding. That fear was deeply ingrained.
I started learning about my own body. I got a mirror and looked at myself. My breasts and nipples, my labia and vulva and even my ass from behind. I had no idea that’s what I looked like. I took pictures of myself and looked at them often. I looked a pictures on Tumblr, mostly to see how I measured up, but in turn, I realized that we all were beautiful, even my own tits and pussy.
Then I started learning about my internal workings… as I learned, I touched and massaged and learn to bring myself to orgasm, first with my fingers and then with toys. I discovered that a woman can have a lot of different kinds of orgasms, and different toys and experiences will created different kinds of orgasms. Masturbation is essential in learning how to cum, because if you don’t know what feels good to you and what works, it’s hard to let someone else know. I’ve talked to a lot of women of all ages who have this problem and almost all of them it’s been a sense of fear and guilt that causes them to hold back. If you can get to the root of that, it can make a huge difference.
Being restrained with handcuffs and a ball gag and using a wand vibrator will cause a very intense orgasm for me, while my dildo shaped Lucid dream will give me a more relaxed kind that I want to wrap myself around. And being watched by my Dom gives a different kind entirely.
I also had to learn not to be afraid of letting go when that orgasm first hits… I’ve talked to a lot of women who get to that point and get scared and back off. It’s the point when you feel like you have to pee and that is scary (it all goes back to when we were potty trained), because you think you really will pee. But in time, once you get brave and take the next step, it’s glorious.
I now can cum by command, with just a word. But I have to be in the right mindset to do so. If I’m tired or grumpy it often won’t work.
Sex is like anything else.. you have to study, learn and prepare… that means read about sex, watch porn (if it excites you), write about sex (journals, fantasies, stories, sexting), talk about sex and not be embarrassed about it. Thinking about it, imagining how it feels and what will happen, helps to train the brain for the positive response, it helps to reset the receptors in the brain to trigger the endorphin’s that make it feel good. If you wait until you hop (or crawl) into bed to try to get into the mood, chances are it ain’t going to happen.
Another thing to consider is any kind of trauma that might be causing fear and/or guilt. I was molested twice as a child and raped twice as a teen and both caused intense trauma that I was finally able to face and cope with just five years ago. Doing so helped me to let go of both fear and guilt (a constant theme, I know, but it’s amazing how many women deal with this in regards to sex).
Because of the rapes, I also had an intense hated of oral sex, especially blow jobs. I used these techniques to get over my aversions and now I love sucking cock.
Think positive. Play. Listen to the music. Sing. Dance. Laugh. Tell dirty jokes. Shock people. Say “Fuck” a lot. Dress the way you want. Eat what you want. If we constantly do what other people expect us to do, that is the mind set we will stay in and then it’s hard to enjoy the physical aspects of sex because we are doing just that.. what someone else decides we should do, think and believe. BDSM is a choice. D/s is a choice. Orgasms is a personal right that no one has the right to take from us.
Watch out for drugs and medications. Based on my experience, the things I’ve read, talking to my doctor and my friends, medications is the number reason why people lose their sex drive as well as the ability to have orgasms, mostly for women, but some men have this problem as well.
For some reason doctors believe that being on drugs will prevent bad things from happening. But it’s just the opposite. I know in some instances drugs are an evil necessity. But drugs have side effects. All of them do. There is no such thing as a safe drug. And too many doctors are like drug pushers. If a drug has a side effect that causes problems, they give you another drug to deal with that side effect, which causes another side effect, which means they want to give you another drug and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Everything that the doctors said would happen to me after I stopped taking all of the drugs they insisted I needed, never happened. In fact, I am healthier now than I was when I was in my 40’s (I’m now almost 66, and completely drug free.. not even aspirin). One of my biggest regrets is that it took me so long to realize this.
Do your own research about medications to see if you really need them or if the pharmaceutical companies are just trying to make money off of you. Often you don’t need them at all or there are alternatives that you can use or do instead.
Start moving around again, if you don’t already. After years of doing nothing because I was curled up in pain (I’m a three time cancer survivor), I am starting to workout again. I’m already seeing more energy and flexibility which is helping my sex life.
I also make a habit of posting dirty jokes to my Facebook friends, which delights my grandchildren. Yeah, they know that grandma has a dirty mind and a foul mouth, but they also know that grandma has hair down to her ass, wears rings on all of her fingers, sings along with Def Leppard and the Eagles and Metallica at the top of her lungs and isn’t just sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die.
Enjoy life.. In whatever way that means to you. Open your mind. Be accepting and try to not judge others. Just because something isn’t your cup of tea, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Try new things, make new friends, go new places, reexamine your beliefs and ideas, learn new lessons and this includes having sex at every opportunity. The more you open up your mind and life, the more it opens up abilities like have an awesome orgasm.. lots and lots of them.