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Purpose

When I first started investigating this lifestyle, I was quite sure I would be doing so from the outside looking in. Everything I read and saw indicated that “all” Doms were male, rich and 40 years old and “all” subs were female, skinny, and 20 years old. I was sure I had missed my chance as I had this triple whammy against me. Because “everybody” knows that people older than 50 can’t and don’t want to have sex anymore, never mind kinky sex. And “everybody” knows that fat girls sit at home alone and never have dates, let alone sex, since everyone only wants skinny girls with perky breasts and not a tummy, ass and saggy tits like mine. And “everybody” knows that anyone with any kind of disability never even thinks about having sex let alone wanting to be tied up and spanked! I actually bought into that mentality, for a very short time at least; I believed I could only indulge in D/s in my mind and fantasies with reading and writing erotica. I was pleasantly surprised to learn just how wrong I was.

Yes, I am old, er.. older (65, and growing younger every day).

Yes, I am fat, and after decades of battling this physically and mentality, I am finally learning to embrace my body as it is.. despite a therapist who recently tried to body shame and didn’t get away with it. It’s taken years to finally move from “not good enough” (no matter how much weight I lost) to be perfectly fine with my body just the way I am.

Yes, I am partially disabled and have been for 30 years after a near-fatal car accident almost caused me to lose my leg. But a brilliant surgeon was able to save it, although I do have a metal rod from knee to ankle holding it all together and I now I have to use a cane. I was warned at the time that I would be back in a wheelchair eventually because the damage was just too extensive to last very long. I know this is in my near future.

But I am pleased to see other people who are disable who are now speaking out for the same rights that others have enjoyed, and yes, that includes an active sex life, and yes, yes, yes, that includes kink.

I’m sorry that it took me so long to embrace all of these things. Unfortunately, for me and many like me, sex education was practically non-existent and we, especially women, consistently got the message that sex was an evil sin, not to be enjoyed by “good girls” (how happy I am that good girl means something so much more positive in this lifestyle), and was simply to be endured, for sake of marriage and children. I rebelled the in sex before marriage rule, although to be honest, I didn’t understand much about it and didn’t really enjoy it. So many wasted years. I now know it’s not too late and I’m trying to make up for lost time.

A book that I’m reading is called “The Best Sex Writing of the Year”. It’s an anthology of stories about sex and sex work and one of the most interesting was a sex worker who regularly worked with severely disabled men and what people think about them and their sexuality.

And last year Kinkly posted an article called “13 Myths About Sex and Disability”
https://www.kinkly.com/2/541/sex-tips/perspectives/…

It’s my hope that the younger generations will get much better sex education that what the older generations received… not only the mechanics of sex, but anatomy, emotions, relationships, responsibility and consent. And that every human being on this planet deserves and has the right to the fulfilling sex life.

 

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BDSM Fashion

I create fashion sets on a site called Polyvore. This has been an interest of mine since I was a child.. I always felt I could have worked as a stylist for someone. I know I have a talent for putting things together, not just clothing, but also rooms, menu ideas, party plans and artwork. Ironically, usually never for myself…

Occasionally, I will create a set that reflects my interest in BDSM. It’s always interesting to see who “likes” it… And yes, I would wear this…

This is one:

1meowbdsm

 

 

 

Perfectly Fine

1perfectlyfine

I realize I never appreciated my body for itself. It helped me to conceived 6, maybe 7, children and give birth to two. It helped me to survive a bad car accident, walk again when I was told I never would again, survived many challenges that I had been told would take my life, including cancer three times. It’s given me the stamina to learn new things, the energy to take care of over a 100 children and some of their parents, the strength to never give up. All that by itself deserves some appreciation.

I spent most of my life trying to become something that I wasn’t… what others insisted I should be, what some tried to demand of me. Funny, how none of those people are around me now.

I spent most of my life believing if I “just lost 15 more pounds”, I’d be perfect. Better or good would have been acceptable. Hell, even good enough would have worked for me. But I was never “good enough”. I could have weighed just 15 pounds and still be told “just lose 15 more pounds, and you will be perfect!”

I guess the only “perfect” was invisible. But I was already that and it was never perfect.

 

How I Learned to Be Orgasmic

Attitude. If you think you can, you will. Sex starts in the brain and then works down the body. If you mind is blocking anything about sex, your chances of achieving orgasm can be limited.

First I had to get past the fear of sex and guilt that had built up for years. That took several months of researching, reading and learning. I googled everything I could about sex (which is how I found out about BDSM), from the physical aspects of it, to the emotional aspects.

As teen, we got very little education about sex.. nothing about anatomy of either genders, nothing about emotions, responsibility, enjoyment, nothing.. basically just “this is your period and this is how you conceive a child (but only the female part), and how miserable you will be one week out of every month.” Plus never let anyone touch you and never touch yourself.

Question your religious teachings. I mean seriously, don’t just buy into them because that’s the way you raised and have been told “that’s the way we’ve always done it”. You should have enough knowledge and experience to look at those teachings more objectively. And if you don’t, get more of both. The damage that religion (of all kinds) has done about sex education, masturbation, sexual positions, and sexual desire is so extensive. You can still believe and practice your religion without being made to feel guilty and shameful for a human condition that is perfectly natural. I researched how and why the church teaches the fear about sex and realized it wasn’t the sex itself that was a problem it was the control of women that they wanted. Once I realized that, I was able to move on.

As I read more and more that’s when I also realized no touching was a big part of it. No touching, by anyone, even yourself. This even became a problem after I had children and was afraid to touch my nipples to prepare for breastfeeding. That fear was deeply ingrained.

I started learning about my own body. I got a mirror and looked at myself. My breasts and nipples, my labia and vulva and even my ass from behind. I had no idea that’s what I looked like. I took pictures of myself and looked at them often. I looked a pictures on Tumblr, mostly to see how I measured up, but in turn, I realized that we all were beautiful, even my own tits and pussy.

Then I started learning about my internal workings… as I learned, I touched and massaged and learn to bring myself to orgasm, first with my fingers and then with toys. I discovered that a woman can have a lot of different kinds of orgasms, and different toys and experiences will created different kinds of orgasms. Masturbation is essential in learning how to cum, because if you don’t know what feels good to you and what works, it’s hard to let someone else know. I’ve talked to a lot of women of all ages who have this problem and almost all of them it’s been a sense of fear and guilt that causes them to hold back. If you can get to the root of that, it can make a huge difference.

Being restrained with handcuffs and a ball gag and using a wand vibrator will cause a very intense orgasm for me, while my dildo shaped Lucid dream will give me a more relaxed kind that I want to wrap myself around. And being watched by my Dom gives a different kind entirely.

I also had to learn not to be afraid of letting go when that orgasm first hits… I’ve talked to a lot of women who get to that point and get scared and back off. It’s the point when you feel like you have to pee and that is scary (it all goes back to when we were potty trained), because you think you really will pee. But in time, once you get brave and take the next step, it’s glorious.

I now can cum by command, with just a word. But I have to be in the right mindset to do so. If I’m tired or grumpy it often won’t work.

Sex is like anything else.. you have to study, learn and prepare… that means read about sex, watch porn (if it excites you), write about sex (journals, fantasies, stories, sexting), talk about sex and not be embarrassed about it. Thinking about it, imagining how it feels and what will happen, helps to train the brain for the positive response, it helps to reset the receptors in the brain to trigger the endorphin’s that make it feel good. If you wait until you hop (or crawl) into bed to try to get into the mood, chances are it ain’t going to happen.

Another thing to consider is any kind of trauma that might be causing fear and/or guilt. I was molested twice as a child and raped twice as a teen and both caused intense trauma that I was finally able to face and cope with just five years ago. Doing so helped me to let go of both fear and guilt (a constant theme, I know, but it’s amazing how many women deal with this in regards to sex).

Because of the rapes, I also had an intense hated of oral sex, especially blow jobs. I used these techniques to get over my aversions and now I love sucking cock.

Think positive. Play. Listen to the music. Sing. Dance. Laugh. Tell dirty jokes. Shock people. Say “Fuck” a lot. Dress the way you want. Eat what you want. If we constantly do what other people expect us to do, that is the mind set we will stay in and then it’s hard to enjoy the physical aspects of sex because we are doing just that.. what someone else decides we should do, think and believe. BDSM is a choice. D/s is a choice. Orgasms is a personal right that no one has the right to take from us.

Watch out for drugs and medications. Based on my experience, the things I’ve read, talking to my doctor and my friends, medications is the number reason why people lose their sex drive as well as the ability to have orgasms, mostly for women, but some men have this problem as well.

For some reason doctors believe that being on drugs will prevent bad things from happening. But it’s just the opposite. I know in some instances drugs are an evil necessity. But drugs have side effects. All of them do. There is no such thing as a safe drug. And too many doctors are like drug pushers. If a drug has a side effect that causes problems, they give you another drug to deal with that side effect, which causes another side effect, which means they want to give you another drug and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Everything that the doctors said would happen to me after I stopped taking all of the drugs they insisted I needed, never happened. In fact, I am healthier now than I was when I was in my 40’s (I’m now almost 66, and completely drug free.. not even aspirin). One of my biggest regrets is that it took me so long to realize this.

Do your own research about medications to see if you really need them or if the pharmaceutical companies are just trying to make money off of you. Often you don’t need them at all or there are alternatives that you can use or do instead.

Start moving around again, if you don’t already. After years of doing nothing because I was curled up in pain (I’m a three time cancer survivor), I am starting to workout again. I’m already seeing more energy and flexibility which is helping my sex life.

I also make a habit of posting dirty jokes to my Facebook friends, which delights my grandchildren. Yeah, they know that grandma has a dirty mind and a foul mouth, but they also know that grandma has hair down to her ass, wears rings on all of her fingers, sings along with Def Leppard and the Eagles and Metallica at the top of her lungs and isn’t just sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die.

Enjoy life.. In whatever way that means to you. Open your mind. Be accepting and try to not judge others. Just because something isn’t your cup of tea, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Try new things, make new friends, go new places, reexamine your beliefs and ideas, learn new lessons and this includes having sex at every opportunity. The more you open up your mind and life, the more it opens up abilities like have an awesome orgasm.. lots and lots of them.

“Butt Plugs”

I remember the first time I heard about butt plugs. It was in a novel I was reading… actually two novels and in both stories, the main character said “no way!!”

Anal play is one of those taboo subjects for most people. Most men say no… thinking it’s only what gay men do, although the idea of anal sex with a woman is often high on their bucket list. Most women say no too.. especially if they are reluctant to even have oral sex, which I was for a long, long time. I realized that both anal sex and oral sex were sexual activities that I knew very little about and had been “trained” to reject simply because they didn’t add to reproduction. Sexual pleasure had no place in the church, especially for women.

Once I rejected those religious teachings, I started learning about the sexual activities that I had been warned away from to find out what made them so “evil”. I honestly couldn’t find any reasons. While most gay men engage in anal sex, they are far from the only ones. I’ve talked to many men and women who enjoy being plugged and pegged. I read everything I could about how anal play can created mind-blowing orgasms because of the different nerve endings in the anus. That was enough to get me interested.

When I finally broke down and bought my first butt plug, it was labeled as a “mini”. Okay, I thought, I can do that. Mini isn’t so bad. I ordered it online and it arrived about a week later, and when I opened it up, my mouth dropped open. This was their idea of a mini??? Jeez, how big is a regular size?????

I spent several weeks just looking at it until finally my Dom got annoyed and said.. “eventually you are going to have to put that thing up your ass…”

Yeah, yeah, I know… grumble, pout, groan..

So one night when I felt unusually brave, I stripped, pulled out the plug and the lube, looked at the plug, looked at myself in the mirror, looked at the plug and took a deep breath. “You can do this!” I told myself.

It was a pretty blue silicone butt plug… soft, silky, flexible. I dropped a couple of drops of lube on the tip of the plug and swirled a dab around my butt hole with my finger and took another deep breathe and pushed it in my hole. I remember reading that if you push down on your sphincter muscles, like when taking a dump, it helps the muscle to relax, like when taking a dump. So I did that and the plug popped in. Wow!! That wasn’t bad at all!! It wasn’t painful either. The muscles around my anus clamped around the neck of the butt plug and held it there. Kind of…. As long as I didn’t move.

When I tried to walk, it slipped back out and I pushed it back in. And then it slipped back and I pushed it back in. I found that the only way to keep it in was to sit on it. So that’s what I did.

Eventually I moved up in size in butt plugs, after I decided this one was much easier than I imagined. I ordered a set of three in graduating sizes; same material but in a pretty pink color. Hey, I have an imagine to uphold!!

The next size.. the “regular” size was okay… I adapted to it fairly easy. The next one was a bit of a struggle and it wouldn’t stay in at all unless I ‘sat on it’…. and the biggest one? No fucking way was that thing going up my ass! I never did try it, but it did work fairly well as a small dildo!!

I fi1glassplugnally realized that it was the material that was the problem. I read up on metal and glass plugs. The metal princess plugs with the crystal on the end was pretty. I considered that. But something about the clear glass plugs called to me, so I ordered one. I was pretty excited to try as soon as it came and… NIRVANA!!!

It felt great. It stayed in, even while walking around, and it made me feel oh so submissive. Of course you couldn’t see it very well.. between it being clear and my big heart shaped ass…. But it was enough to know it was there.

Since then I have purchased another one.. a larger clear class butt plug. It doesn’t stay in as well as the smaller one and it took some stretching and getting use to it, but it feels amazing.

Getting Pissed

I only told two people at first that I had been uncollared and released by my Master. One was a woman that I had befriended on Fetlife. I knew she would understand, she had found herself in a similar situation and she was very supportive when I told her. The other was a guy, also on Fetlife, that I had been talking to for over a year. I thought I could trust him to be understanding, not only about being unowned, but also the depressing state of the country and the world. I discovered I was wrong.

He told to not “fret” about things I couldn’t control and told me to go and put on my tack bra… that would make me “happy”!

When I read that, I was pissed, outraged, livid…

This was my response…

Don’t fret?? Seriously? Who do you think I am? Some airhead doormat without a brain? Can’t control it? Did you happen to see the woman’s march this weekend?

We can and we will make a difference. I am not about to sit back and allow some egotistical misogynist bully like Donald Trump take my rights and those of my children and grandchildren away.

I am a highly educated, articulate, vocal control freak in my own right. I am a feminist. I am a submissive by choice, not because it’s demanded or commanded of me. DH understood this and encouraged me to stand up for what was right, and I will continue to do so. It took a strong man to be with me, and he was, because I am a strong woman. I’m told that all the time.

Don’t fret??? Really? Let me tell you why I will not only fret, but fight back.

I have a four year old nephew who was born with half a heart. The medication that keeps him alive is paid for by medicaid because it’s incredibly expensive. The doctor’s have already told his parents that once medicaid is eliminated, their son will most likely die, and they need to prepare for that. I know what it’s like to bury a child. You never get over it. You don’t think they are “fretting”?

I worry about my two granddaughters.. ages 18 and 15. Trump has pretty much declared open season all girls and women and there are stories galore of women and girls being assaulted and raped because “Trump has made it legal..” Now he is taking away birth control and abortion, so my granddaughters have no say over who has sex with them or if they want to have a child. It’s being made for them.

I worry about my grandson. Trump is planning on building a huge military presence. Where to you think the troops for his army is going to come from? Do you seriously think kids will lining up to join his “people’s army”???? They will be drafted!!! Not only boys, but girls as well. And not only kids. I have a friend who is retired army and he told me that the government can call them all back to active duty anytime it wants.

I worry about my friends who are non-Christians, including me. Trump claims to be a Christian, but he is anything but. He is pandering to the Christian right and has called for things like a registry for Muslims (and Jews), denying voting rights to atheists and Christians and indicated that Christianity could become the state religion.. much like Islam is in some Middle Eastern countries. His education secretary pick doesn’t believe in public schools, only charter schools, as well the only acceptable subjects to be taught are religion (Christian of course) and creationism, no science or history and only just enough reading and writing and math to be considered literate.

Do you want me to go on????

I am not some “little” dependent on a Daddy Dom who can be told to go play with her toys and that will make her happy.

I realize that you are coming from male entitlement, so you haven’t a clue as to what it’s like to be a woman, whose religion is being threatened, whose life is being threatened because of her age and size. Those don’t affect you so why should YOU fret? But it does me and I will. And I will get angry. And I will scream and yell. And I will protest. And I will fight back!!

One last thing.. don’t you ever be condescending to me again.

 

 

 

 

Two Weeks Today

I’ve told very few people about what happened two weeks ago. I was at first numb, and then angry and now I’m just… I don’t know. Indifferent.

I w1blackcollarent from being a cherished collared and owned submissive for a Dominant that I adored. Then he told me he was struggling. I suggested that we suspend some of our D/s until he felt more balanced, thinking that it would just be the tasks and assignments. We had already gone from daily communication to just on weekends. Work and real life was taking priority and I understood that very well. But he said no, he had lost his passion for D/s completely and he was letting me go. He didn’t think it would ever come back and maybe I should find a new Dom. He uncollared me and released me and I haven’t heard from him since.

It’s not the first time we’ve been down this road. It happened last year too, at almost the same time. This is the third time we’ve parted.. the first one was because I backed out. These last two it is because he did. I noticed something interesting, each of the three times was always in January.

But this was the first time I had been collared. And that by itself made a bigger impact on me. This time it hurt even more than in the past. We’ve been together off and on for a little more than 2 years.. three January’s.

So, now I am an uncollared and unowned submissive. It’s not like I’ve never been in this situation before and I certainly never expected ‘happily ever after’, but I was still shocked and surprised when it all ended.

He has since deleted his Fetlife account. I haven’t checked on Collarspace to see if he is gone from that site too, but I suspect he is. I considered deleting mine as well, along with this site and chucking all of my toys and calling it day. Maybe my time as a submissive has come to an end and it was time that I ‘act my age’ whatever the fuck that is.

But I then realized something important. Being a submissive is who I am, not what I am. I enjoy reading, talking and writing about sex and D/s and kinky shit. I didn’t want to give it up and I really don’t want to act my age.

So my Fetlife and Collarspace accounts will stay and this blog will continue. I will write about what I’ve learned and experienced in the short time I’ve been a submissive with three different Dominants. I will write about my feelings, lessons and experiences with sex over the past 50 years and how things have changed and how they haven’t changed.

As I told Master, I have no desire to find a new Dominant. But if one comes along who provides what I need and want… respect as a human being first, woman second and sub third, has a sense of humor, encouragement to voice my opinion and to write, able to communicate a variety of topics, and provides tasks and assignments to help keep me balanced and expand my horizons… then maybe, just maybe, I’ll consider submitting to someone new.