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Purpose

When I first started investigating this lifestyle, I was quite sure I would be doing so from the outside looking in. Everything I read and saw indicated that “all” Doms were male, rich and 40 years old and “all” subs were female, skinny, and 20 years old. I was sure I had missed my chance as I had this triple whammy against me. Because “everybody” knows that people older than 50 can’t and don’t want to have sex anymore, never mind kinky sex. And “everybody” knows that fat girls sit at home alone and never have dates, let alone sex, since everyone only wants skinny girls with perky breasts and not a tummy, ass and saggy tits like mine. And “everybody” knows that anyone with any kind of disability never even thinks about having sex let alone wanting to be tied up and spanked! I actually bought into that mentality, for a very short time at least; I believed I could only indulge in D/s in my mind and fantasies with reading and writing erotica. I was pleasantly surprised to learn just how wrong I was.

Yes, I am old, er.. older (65, and growing younger every day).

Yes, I am fat, and after decades of battling this physically and mentality, I am finally learning to embrace my body as it is.. despite a therapist who recently tried to body shame and didn’t get away with it. It’s taken years to finally move from “not good enough” (no matter how much weight I lost) to be perfectly fine with my body just the way I am.

Yes, I am partially disabled and have been for 30 years after a near-fatal car accident almost caused me to lose my leg. But a brilliant surgeon was able to save it, although I do have a metal rod from knee to ankle holding it all together and I now I have to use a cane. I was warned at the time that I would be back in a wheelchair eventually because the damage was just too extensive to last very long. I know this is in my near future.

But I am pleased to see other people who are disable who are now speaking out for the same rights that others have enjoyed, and yes, that includes an active sex life, and yes, yes, yes, that includes kink.

I’m sorry that it took me so long to embrace all of these things. Unfortunately, for me and many like me, sex education was practically non-existent and we, especially women, consistently got the message that sex was an evil sin, not to be enjoyed by “good girls” (how happy I am that good girl means something so much more positive in this lifestyle), and was simply to be endured, for sake of marriage and children. I rebelled the in sex before marriage rule, although to be honest, I didn’t understand much about it and didn’t really enjoy it. So many wasted years. I now know it’s not too late and I’m trying to make up for lost time.

A book that I’m reading is called “The Best Sex Writing of the Year”. It’s an anthology of stories about sex and sex work and one of the most interesting was a sex worker who regularly worked with severely disabled men and what people think about them and their sexuality.

And last year Kinkly posted an article called “13 Myths About Sex and Disability”
https://www.kinkly.com/2/541/sex-tips/perspectives/…

It’s my hope that the younger generations will get much better sex education that what the older generations received… not only the mechanics of sex, but anatomy, emotions, relationships, responsibility and consent. And that every human being on this planet deserves and has the right to the fulfilling sex life.

 

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My Feelings About Long Distance Relationships

There was a discussion recently on a forum about Online/Long Distance Relationships and if they can ever become an in-real life “forever” relationship. I know there are some that do.. I follow several blogs of D/s that started out as online LDR’s that evolved into marriage and basically living ‘happily ever after’. But most do not, for various reasons.

These are my thoughts and feelings about this discussion.

Define “forever”….

Nothing is forever. I don’t think anyone can ever decide that for someone else. We each have to think about in terms of what we really want.

Do you want that happily ever after fairy tale?

Do you want to live up to society’s expectations?

Do want and need a partner to have children?

Are you in love with your LDR partner?

Are you just lonely?

Are you afraid of being alone?

Is it doable? Sure.. anything is.

Is it healthy? That depends on the attitudes and expectations of both partners.

Is it realistic? As realistic as anything else.. it all depends how much effort you are willing to put into it and what you are expecting to get out of it.

If you are going into a LDR expecting it to end in happily ever after, chances are you are going to be disappointed.

If you go into it because you are bored, you could end up hurting each other and that might not be healthy.

If you accept the relationship, and it’s limitations, for what it is, it can work and has for quite a few people whom I’ve talked to. But they do understand and accept the limitations the relationship and they don’t try to force it to be more than it is.

While there are people who have a LDR become a real time face to face physical relationship, and eventually marriage, I’m not sure that’s the norm.

Relationships all by themselves is a struggle and a lot of work, even in the best of circumstances. It takes a whole lot of communication to make it work, and online is even more so. But I personally think it can work, if entered in correctly.

Books About Domination and submission

These are just some of the books about D/s that I’ve read, many of them are novels.

Brie Learns the Art of Submission by Red Phoenix
The Submissive Series by Tara Sue Me
Darling Discovered by Mrs. Darling
A Is For… (The BDSM Checklist) so far just A, B, C and D
Submission at the Tower by Felicity Brandon
Best Sex Writing of the Year
Tie Me Up: A Binding Collection of Erotica by F. Leonora Soloman
BDSM: 60 Days of Submission by John and Abbey Pointer
Socrates Inspires Cherry to Blossom by Red Phoenix
Slave Girls: Erotic Stories of Submission by DL King and Rose Caraway
Reform School Sex by Penelope Syn
Ivan’s Captive Submissive by Ann Mayburn

Best Sex

Good sex starts in the brain and it works it’s way down the body.  It starts with thinking about it and learning about it. It moves down to observation (yes, including porn), but also looking at bodies.. your partners and your own. It’s that first time you touch and feel the electricity. It’s the first time you smell the scent of the other person, from a casual encounter to the more intimate. It’s the taste of the first kiss that later becomes the taste of their sexual organs. It’s the sound of their voice, their laugh, their sighs, their moans, groans and gasps. But these other sensual needs and desires mean nothing until you focus your thoughts on your expectations of your sexual encounter, your desires to please your partner and to enjoy their pleasure as much as your own. To learn about the techniques of sex, to be open to the possibilities, and the willingness to try new things.

I’ve talked to a lot of people of all ages about sex, but mostly to both men and women, gay and straight, of my own age group and came to some startling realizations.

What everyone is looking for is very simple… it’s a connection. Everyone wants to be wanted and desired. They want undivided attention. They want to know that THEY matter.

It’s not what you look like. It’s what you think. We get so busy and distracted these days with so many other things, that human feelings get lost in the shuffle. People would rather look down at their phone instead of looking into their partner’s eyes. They would rather listen to their music playlist than the satisfied sighs after good sex. They would rather update their Facebook status instead listen to to someone share their deepest secrets and fantasies.

No wonder people feel lost and lonely. They are missing that connection.

 

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Sensory Input

I totally believe that sex begins in the brain. Both thinking about what you are doing and knowing what you are doing.

But sex is also very sensual. We depend on our five senses to experience sex to the fullest… sight, sound, smell, touch and taste, and usually in that order.

It helps to exercise those senses so you can get the most out of the sensual sexual experience, as it’s not just the destination that matters, but the journey… the communication, the visual, the foreplay and hopefully, the orgasm. But sometimes just having the journey is what is most important.

So with that in mind, I came up with ways to exercises each of the senses…

Sound

Listen CD’s or tapes of environmental sounds.
Laugh! Watch a comedy movie.
Listen to a ballet and dance.
Sit in your backyard or in a park and listen to the birds.
Sing as loud as you can to the radio in your car.
Go to a symphony orchestra performance.
Listen to someone talk to you without worrying about what you will say.
Listen to books on tape while walking, driving, resting.
Listen to music of one instrument, such as cello or harp or piano.
Borrow music CD’s of symphonies.
Go to concerts of various music genres.
Hang up windchimes, inside and out… it creates positive qi around you.
Invest in a tabletop fountain.

Sight

Watch tropical fish swim in a home aquarium.
Watch for a shooting star.
Walk thru a garden in full bloom.
Watch a candle flame.
Watch ocean waves ebb and tide.
Gaze at the full moon.
Look for the first sign of spring; the first robin, crocus, etc.
Paint with watercolors, oils, acrylics.
Watch a sunrise.
Watch a sunset.
Go to an art museum.
Take pictures of things, not people. Try using black and white film.
Look at something, really look at it for the first time.
Buy paints in the primary colors … what new shades can you make?
Put on different kinds of music and paint to the music.
Rest with cucumber slices or wet tea bags on your eyes.
Do an eye-wash.
Go on a whale watch in the ocean.
Watch a baby, or a kitten, or puppy move.
Lie on the grass and watch the shapes that clouds make.

Touch

Make an adult blanket, using soft fabrics in your favorite color.
Make a collage using assorted textures of paper, fabric, natural items.
Use various grades of sandpaper, sand a piece of wood smooth.
Walking barefoot on a sandy beach.
Have a snowball fight.
Have a snowball fight in the middle of the summer.
Get a hot paraffin wax dip treatment on hands and/or feet.
Learn American Sign Language.
Carve and whittle a walking stick.
Go ice skating, especially on a hot day.
Get a body piercing and/or a tattoo.
Try mehendi henna temporary tattoos.
Try body painting, glitter gels, rhinestones and jewels glued on.
Learn to play an instrument; piano, harp, guitar, that uses your fingers.
Make love.
Do yoga and tai chi, see how it increases your personal chi (qi).
Paint your toenails and fingernails with colorful nail polishes.
Run, walk, swim, move….. Notice how it makes you feel.
Pet a cat or a dog.
Do some hands-on crafts; claywork, ceramics, pottery.
Get an acupuncture treatment.
Plant seeds in the earth.
Cuddle up in a warm pair of flannel pajamas, under a soft blanket before
a roaring fire on a cold night.
Receive a Therapeutic Touch treatment
Enjoy the feel of doing needlework; hand-quilting, crocheting, cross
stitch, embroidery, beadwork, needlepoint, lacemaking, weaving.
Buy a soft sweater or blouse and wear it right next to your skin.
Enjoy the smooth feel of your legs just after shaving them and
smoothing on lotion.
Do some messy childhood tactile arts; playdough, fingerpaints,
mudpies….
Hang wet laundry on an old-fashioned clothesline, and then fold the
crisp dry clothes later.
A hot bath with lots of soft bubbles
Hug a big, soft, plush teddy bear.
Dance; take classes in ballet, modern, hip hop, lyrical, tap, belly-dancing,
square dancing, western line dancing, ballroom, salsa.
Walk in the rain without an umbrella.
Smooth on a soft body lotion, on arms, legs, feet, hands….
Get a massage, AND a facial, AND foot reflexology.
Buy new sheets
Play with a Relaxing Rice Box:
Color raw rice with a few drops of one color of food coloring and a
few drops of desired essential oil. Let sit and dry. Store in a low
wooden box. This rice is very relaxing to play with, sift thru your
fingers, fill small silver or wooden cups, pour out. Revert back to
childhood.
Trace a long a finger labyrinth
Take a hot steamy shower.
Give and get lots of hugs.
Sit outside and feel the warmth of the sun on your face.

Scent

Invest in a good aromatherapy book and some essential oils; such as
lavender and orange or grapefruit. Lavender relaxes you, citrus
energizes.
Make aromatherapy playdough.
Smell the air just after a big rain storm.
Add essential oils to terracotta scent stones.
Use lavender essential oil spray on your pillow at night to promote sleep.
Do steam-inhalation to clear out your sinuses.
Use clary sage and eucalyptus to help with sinus problems. Put
both in a steaming bowl of water and use a towel as a tent over
your head.
Shop for scents: walk into a bakery, to Starbucks, a fishmarket, etc
Fill the burner bowl with warm water, essential oil and light the candle.
Place essential oil onto a warm, filled bath and relax.
Add about three drops of your favorite Synergy blend to sweet almond
oil for a massage.
Add 20 drops of essential oil to 4 ounces of water in a spray bottle.
Spray throughout the house.
Make or buy potpourri and put around your house to gently scent the
room.
Add essential oil directly to the vacuum cleaner bag before vacuuming.
Put 5 drops of your favorite fragrance in with the clothes wash.
Especially nice for lingerie.
Wear your favorite essential oil in a special aromatherapy necklace
Make a pot of hot simmering soup rich with beef broth, vegetables and
herbs.
Rice Healing Pillows
Use tea towels or a large wash cloth. Sew them up on three sides
and fill with rice and herbs.
Buy flowers for their scent.
Make citrus fruit pomanders with whole cloves.
Make scented sachets for your drawers and closets.
Plant scented geraniums around your front door.
Buy a new perfume, and perhaps the bath products to go with it
Burn some incense and meditate
Grow a fragrant herb garden
Make homemade scented soaps and candles.

Taste

Drink clear clean water, and think about the taste
Do tastings. You’ve heard of wine, cheese, and beer tastings… how
about chocolate, nuts, exotic fruits…
Hot chocolate chip cookies and ice cold milk
Eat a pint of your favorite ice cream directly out of the carton without a
shred of guilt
Eat a roasted hot dog at the beach or at a baseball game.
The taste of kissing someone after drinking a glass of wine.
Sautéed garlic and onions in anything.
Fresh hot bread with extra-virgin olive oil
The rich tender taste of a delicious prime rib.
Fresh strawberries, raspberries and cherries
Catch snowflakes on your tongue
Get your teeth cleaned at the dentist
Eat a cold crisp apple