“I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.” ~ Thomas Merton
I’m not a fan of Thomas Merton, his writing is a little too religious for me, but this quote jumped out at me a while back and I saved in my little book of quotations. The desire to please people is something that has been a part of my mindset since I was a child. I received great pleasure in making others happy. I suppose part of that was the need to be validated as human being too, but it really did boil down to making someone else happy by the things I said and did.
In regards to D/s, it goes even deeper than that. In this case it’s power exchange between two (or more) people of having their needs met by the other. A Dom has a need to control and direct and finds great pleasure when that need is met. A sub has a need to give of themselves, to be controlled and directed and derives great pleasure for themselves when the Dom is pleased and happy by having that direction satisfied. But it goes even deeper. In both cases, if there is not a sense of respect, a mental, if not emotional connection, and idea that this power exchange is consensual, then the Dom just ends up being a control freak and the sub ends up as a doormat. It all ends up being superficial and neither one gets any pleasure from the exchange.
Recently I got a message from a kid (20 years old) on Collarspace, addressing me as “Mistress”, begging me to abuse his sorry ass, that he wanted to learn to be a slave. Since he wanted to learn; I attempted to teach him a lesson. I told him first of all he needed to learn to read and read the profiles before sending a message and if he had read my profile he would have seen I was a submissive, not a Dominant. Second, he needed to read books, article, blogs about submissiveness and learn it’s about being in service to a Dom or Master and not just getting someone to use him in a kinky way so he could jack off, which, based on his profile, is clearly what he was looking for.
I see this all the time… people “searching” for a Dom or sub, like they are ordering a meal off of a Chinese food menu. Instead they need learn what D/s actually means, learning about the protocols, getting to meet people and seeing them first as a human, secondly (especially in regards to male Doms looking for female subs), as women and then thirdly as a submissive or slave. Every day I get a message from someone who immediately sends me his list of rules after just responding with “hi”. They don’t seem to understand, or even want to understand, that I don’t submit simply because I’m a woman, I submit because there is a connection to that person. It’s a gift I give because I have come to see that they have earned my gift of submission.
D/s takes time, communication, consent and respect for it to work. A lot of people just don’t want to take the time do to any of that.