I’ve told very few people about what happened two weeks ago. I was at first numb, and then angry and now I’m just… I don’t know. Indifferent.
I went from being a cherished collared and owned submissive for a Dominant that I adored. Then he told me he was struggling. I suggested that we suspend some of our D/s until he felt more balanced, thinking that it would just be the tasks and assignments. We had already gone from daily communication to just on weekends. Work and real life was taking priority and I understood that very well. But he said no, he had lost his passion for D/s completely and he was letting me go. He didn’t think it would ever come back and maybe I should find a new Dom. He uncollared me and released me and I haven’t heard from him since.
It’s not the first time we’ve been down this road. It happened last year too, at almost the same time. This is the third time we’ve parted.. the first one was because I backed out. These last two it is because he did. I noticed something interesting, each of the three times was always in January.
But this was the first time I had been collared. And that by itself made a bigger impact on me. This time it hurt even more than in the past. We’ve been together off and on for a little more than 2 years.. three January’s.
So, now I am an uncollared and unowned submissive. It’s not like I’ve never been in this situation before and I certainly never expected ‘happily ever after’, but I was still shocked and surprised when it all ended.
He has since deleted his Fetlife account. I haven’t checked on Collarspace to see if he is gone from that site too, but I suspect he is. I considered deleting mine as well, along with this site and chucking all of my toys and calling it day. Maybe my time as a submissive has come to an end and it was time that I ‘act my age’ whatever the fuck that is.
But I then realized something important. Being a submissive is who I am, not what I am. I enjoy reading, talking and writing about sex and D/s and kinky shit. I didn’t want to give it up and I really don’t want to act my age.
So my Fetlife and Collarspace accounts will stay and this blog will continue. I will write about what I’ve learned and experienced in the short time I’ve been a submissive with three different Dominants. I will write about my feelings, lessons and experiences with sex over the past 50 years and how things have changed and how they haven’t changed.
As I told Master, I have no desire to find a new Dominant. But if one comes along who provides what I need and want… respect as a human being first, woman second and sub third, has a sense of humor, encouragement to voice my opinion and to write, able to communicate a variety of topics, and provides tasks and assignments to help keep me balanced and expand my horizons… then maybe, just maybe, I’ll consider submitting to someone new.